A Little Late

"I feel my insecurities,
are haunting me like ghosts, this sinking quicksand.
And then with thunderous praise and lofty adoration,
a second passes by, yet nothing changes.
I hate my skin, this grave I'm standing in.
Another change of years, and I wish I wasn't here."


Five Iron Frenzy has a way of just expressing me, and I don't have to do any work for it to do so.

I pretty much have been apathetic about the whole coming of 2008. Don't ask me why, I just feel scared and anxious about what's to come. Something inside of me is stressed and causing endless head aches and upset stomachs. I feel like I've become a child again, and I'm terrified my parents will find out I broke something very expensive and important. The worst part is that I can't even put my finger on what's been bothering me. It's probably just Satan trying to attack and bring me down, so that I don't enjoy my life fully and how God intended me too.

Like most years, I've made my resolutions... and you know what, I never keep to anything. It doesn't even have to be a New Years resolution, anything I want to do never follows through. It's one of those things I hate about myself and I just hope I'll be able to overcome it sometime in my life. I don't have the normal ones like those of "Lose weight," "stop swearing," "Spend more time with the family." I just want life to go smoothly. I don't care if something amazing happens anymore, as long as it goes smoothly. As a child I always wanted the "dream life." You know, lots of money and glamour, to be an actress or to be a princess, or something fabulous. And, even until recently, I've realized that if I can make it through life content and comfortable, I will be more than happy. And if God so desires to bless me with any of the above... all the more reason to praise Him. I just want to trust Him to have a smile plan for me and my future family. That would be a dream come true. So, my New Years resolution: Prepare myself for what I someday want my life to be.

If I want a simple life, I need to learn now to not count on the physical and the materialistic. I've always been looked at as this spoiled little child who is ditzy and doesn't have a clue about anything going on because her parents take care of everything for her. I'm tired of that false stereotype. I'm tired of the jerks trying to figure out what I'm all about when they only talk to me once or twice a week, and every time they do, it's a negative comment (sometimes multiple.) Now, I guess I can see why they would get that impression. But that doesn't make any thing different. I will not defend myself on here, for only I and my Creator know the real me, and if other people want to jump the gun and decide for themselves how God has designed me, they can go ahead and deal with that themselves.

I do want to begin my journey of becoming the woman that God wants, that I want, and what ultimately my future husband will want. This year I turn 17 years old. That will lead to 1 more year until adulthood. Only 2 more seasons until I will, hopefully, begin college. There is absolutely no way I can enter that world with the state I am in now. I wish to always keep my child like heart, and to lose that would be my biggest disappointment.

But, for those of you who actually know me, I'm very loud and in your face. I love to yell and run around. I love to have fun and jump around and just have a good time. Haha, Ryan told me that if I got drunk at parties, I'd get myself kicked out of places. But I love the energy of that. But, I really need to work on toning it down a bit. I don't need to yell and goof off every second of my life. Parties... eh, even then, I need to learn to control myself. I can have fun, but in a more feminine and mature matter. Plus, I realize it gets old very fast.

I need to learn how to rely on myself, and not my family to get ahead. I've taken some of my own responsibilities. Buying my own clothes, buying my own gifts for people, and when I'm out, using my own money for food and fun. But, I know I'm still not financially savvy yet. I also have used my family to help with things. Say, I need to make an appointment for the doctor, or to get my hair done, I still go to my mom to call for me and schedule everything. I'm only digging myself into a whole, and as of now, that shovel needs to be taken away.

I'd also like to stop using text messages as much as possible. Along with IM and emails. Honestly, if someone really needs to get a hold of me, they can call me. Besides, I much rather hear the voices of my friends, rather than see line after line of typos and not understand anything going on. I honestly believe that email, IM, and texting has led to my introversion. (Yes, I actually used to be more extroverted and outgoing.) So, to all my friends, if you actually care to have a full length conversation with me, CALL me. I'll still be on AIM because that's an obsession that I'll deal with in 2009. BUT hopefully it will be a lot less... but it would be greatly appreciated if people would just call me. I'd love to hear your voices!

Finally, I want a larger vocabulary. Hahaha, I just really really do!

We'll see how things go. I'm excited for the direction God has for me. be it whatever way He wants.